When you're writing a story with characters, it is almost always more interesting for the reader if you let the characters talk instead of telling the reader what the characters said. Here are some examples and non-examples.
Non-example:
My mother yelled at me, and I told her to stop getting so worked up.
Example:
"Christine, you still haven't cleaned your room! Do you want to be grounded?" my mother yelled.
"Relax, Mom. There's no need to get so worked up. I'll get to it before company comes," I calmly replied.
As Mark Twain said, "Don't tell me the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream."
Christine,
ReplyDeleteI loved your story and it was worth reading all of it.It was very dramatic and mysterious which I'm a fan of. I also thought that your story told nearly all my questions on why Allison and Jason bully Jess.I finally like teen dramas and bullying stories.It's like a masterpiece and by far my favorite story and it's almost as good as Whirligig and probably Harry Potter by a little bit.
Though I do have a couple questions.
One is Who messed up her locker?
Two is Why doesn't she tell a staff member that she's getting bullied.
Three is do Allison and Jason really hate Jess or is it just for everyone not to remember their fathers?
Four is what do you mean by truck stop freak from Allison and then cave which Jess said?
I think your polish is proficient but there are some you need to work on.When you said Allison is cowardly in attacks,I think you should make Jason insult instead after they both got detention and I thought maybe the lunch lady might hear and tell the administrator or anyone else.I also think you should describe the ending in details about Allison and Jason's fate as well as Jess's.I think that's all I have and your story is my favorite so far in my opinion.